Psychology

What’s really holding you back? Truly?

chanman · Oct 7, 2018 · Leave a Comment

If we start from the position that we all have potential, then why is there a gap between where your potential self is and where you are at the moment?

How big is that gap? What is your true potential? It might be that your true potential is way more than you think it is. In which case, the gap is even bigger than you know.

Step one is where you are now.

Step two is looking at where you think your potential is. So this might be being a writer or being an artist.

Step three is discovering where your true potential might be (and you would need help from outside to discover this). This might be being a rocket scientist, climbing the world’s highest and most difficult mountains.

Step four is addressing how to bridge that gap and narrow it as much as possible.

Do you think that you can achieve step two and step three?

If you don’t think you can, then something is holding you back.

It’s a mindset thing for sure.

A great example of opening up your mindset and horizons is what learning how to swim has done for me. Even after my first lesson, when I couldn’t really even finish a length of the pool, I was looking up scuba diving holidays. Now after three lessons, I’m thinking about taking up wild swimming in rivers and taking up surfing. This is all stuff that I’ve dreamed about doing but thought it was pure fantasy. Those are the sort of things that I come up with when asking myself “What’s on my bucket list? What would I love to do?” And now it’s all possible. My horizons and possibilities with regards to swimming and watersports have expanded.

Now if I asked myself about step 3 (discovering where your true potential might be), what’s possible with my swimming? What couldn’t I even contemplate or imagine before that first swimming lesson? Swimming the Channel or swimming the Hellespont? I wouldn’t have dared dream about that a month ago. Now it’s possible. Maybe not likely, but possible. Hold on, why isn’t that likely? Maybe I’ll think differently after I master the freestyle stroke. Imagine once I get to 1,000m without stopping, maybe my horizons with regards to swimming will be so far from what I can imagine now? Maybe swimming the length of the Thames? Who knows!

So what was holding me back?

Why has it taken me until I’m 39 to finally address my terrible swimming and do something about it? In my head, I told myself that it was because of my eyes that I couldn’t swim because of my poor eyesight. I’m a minus 4.0 in my left eye and a minus 0.75 in my right eye. This means that I can’t really see anything without contact lenses or glasses. And glasses or contacts don’t work in the pool. That’s what I told myself and that’s why I couldn’t go swimming to learn in the past 10, 15 or 20 years.

This was probably bullshit. Stuff I told myself so that I wouldn’t have to do it. Now that I’m 39 and thinking about having kids soon, I think it’s really important that I learn to swim. Just in case I ever need to and to teach my kids and just for the sheer joy of being good at a fundamental human skill.

The solution was ridiculously easy. I just googled ‘prescription goggles’ and it was SO cheap and easy. £15 for prescription goggles. Now swimming is something that I look forward to.

How easy was that?

What’s something that you want to do and what’s holding you back?

How can you break through? Maybe it’s that you want to be a singer. So how about taking a singing lesson. £100 for 5 lessons from a professional singing teacher. Or maybe you want to be an artist. Go on a short course at a decent art school. I did one for about £350 for 10 x 2 hour lessons at Chelsea School of Art. At the very least, it’s fun and you’ll find out whether it’s something you want to pursue. Let me know what you want to do in the comments below!

What is psychological health?

chanman · Aug 28, 2018 · Leave a Comment

I’ve written quite a bit on mental health in the past. Articles like:

But recently, I’ve been wondering about another question. What is psychological health? We hear a lot about what mental illness is but what about its opposite? What does a psychologically healthy person’s mind look like?

Much in the same way as an out-of-shape person has to aim to be an in-shape person, a person struggling with mental health has to know what they’re aiming at for in order to be mentally healthy.

It’s oddly tricky to find a good article about this on the internet. Try searching for ‘what is psychological health?’ and you don’t get much back.

But then I remembered I’d read an introduction to psychology book when I was younger, possibly whilst still at uni. It had a bit in it about what constituted psychological health. I found it after much searching at my Dad’s house.

It’s called Introducing Psychology by Nigel C. Benson and it’s a synopsis of the history of psychology. It’s got some superb diagrams and cartoons all designed to help the layman — ie. me.

In it, there are two theories about what constitutes psychological health:

The first is from Abraham Maslow. According to my edition of Benson’s book, at p.111:

Psychologically ‘healthy’ people show:

An objective perception of reality

Acceptance of their own natures

A commitment and dedication to some type of work

Naturalness, simplicity in behaviour, and spontaneity

Independence; a need for autonomy and privacy

Intense mystical/peak experiences

Empathy with, and affection for, all humanity — including strong social interests

Resistance to conformity

Democratise characteristics

Keenness to be creative

The second is from Carl Rogers. According to my edition of Benson’s book, at p.112:

The psychologically healthy person shows:

An openness to all experiences

An ability to live fully in every moment

The will to follow their own instincts, rather than the will of others

Freedom in thought and action, eg. spontaneity, flexibility

Much creativity

Check out Benson’s great book here.

What you can learn from Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk – Your body language shapes who you are

chanman · Oct 20, 2016 · 3 Comments

This TED Talk by Amy Cuddy on how deeply your body language affects you is one of the most viewed TED Talks of all time.

Summary

Professor Cuddy demonstrates just how closely linked the physical is with the psychological.

We heard of psychosomatic, where your mind can influence your body, eg when anxiety affects your bodily health.

Cuddy explains how our body language affects our mental states, i.e. the reverse is also true.

For example, if you’re hunched over, with your shoulders rolled forward, looking down at the ground, it’s likely that you’re in a nervous state of mind.

Now exaggerate the opposite posture. Sit back, lean backwards, open up your chest, breathe deeply and you’re likely now feeling more relaxed, less anxious and more at ease.

We can exaggerate this further.

There’s a universal pose for victory and feeling victorious. Studies show that even those unable to see make this pose.

Try this pose for 30 seconds. Really lean back and feel the victory.

How do you feel now? Pretty good I bet!

The causation flows both ways. Feeling powerful makes you more likely to exhibit powerful poses.

But interestingly, posing powerfully can make you feel more powerful!

What can we learn from Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk on Body Language?

Immediate applications

If you’re an anxious person or lacking in confidence, this has the potential to change your life.

You know now that your body can genuinely influence how you feel.

This gives you a framework and a toolkit to almost instantly change your mental state.

So before an interview, go to the bathroom and power pose. Do a few minutes of the victory pose.

In the interview itself, recognise that at the bare minimum, how you sit has consequences.

If you’re hunched over and making yourself feel small, that’s how you’re going to feel and this will translate to the interviewer.

Similarly, without going overboard, sit in a powerful way. Legs apart, head up, shoulders and back square.

If you get nervous on dates, do the same. Stop yourself fidgeting, looking at your hands, and guard against a slumping posture.

In general, try being mindful of your posture and how you hold your body.

I have quite bad posture.

When I’m sitting at my desk, I tend to hunch forward. I don’t hold my head up. I lean on my left elbow.

Whilst cooking today, I realised that my posture was poor. I corrected it immediately but it’s amazing how quickly I regressed to poor posture.

Catch yourself during the day.

How are you sitting or standing now? Could your posture be better? Improve it now!

Reinforces just how linked mind and body are

There are plenty of recent books that deepen our understanding of how the body and mind work together (or against each other).

For example, see Coates’ The Hour Between Dog and Wolf for how physical hormonal states such as testosterone and cortisol affect our mental states.

Cuddy’s findings on body language might just be the tip of the iceberg.

In the same way that power poses encourage powerful feelings, imagine what the associated body language is for feeling relaxed, or for feeling creative, or feeling joyful?

Learn more

Check out the TED page for this talk.

Here’s Amy Cuddy’s HBS profile.

What I learnt from Simon Sinek’s TED Talk – ‘How Great Leaders Inspire Action’

chanman · Sep 22, 2016 ·

This video by Simon Sinek will change how you see the world.

In this TED talk, Sinek says most of the time we fail to start with the Why.

Instead, he argues in general that, we start with the What, then the How, then the Why.

To resonate with people, however, we need to start with the Why. This is the part that appeals to the ‘feeling’ part of the brain. Not the rational, logical part, but the emotional part.

Sinek applies this to marketing, such as when explaining Apple appeals to consumers more than Dell. Both sell great computers (the What). Both sell the How. But only Apple truly sells the Why.

Sinek argues that Apple found their raison d’etre and started from there. They sold the counterculture, the rebellion, the attack on the status quo and that’s what consumers bought into. They bought why Apple existed before they were convinced about Apple’s products.

They bought the Why before anything else.

What’s the reason for this?

Sinek argues that the Why and the How relate to different parts of the brain than the What does.

The What resides in the neo-cortex whilst the How and the Why live in the limbic part of the brain.

The Limbic brain is where we feel things and is the emotional centre of our brains.

Apple then, in Sinek’s example, appeals to this deeper emotional core of our brains and perhaps this is why Apple have such loyal fans.

It’s beyond reasons such as product features, specifications etc.

People love Apple because of Why they do what they do.

What can we learn from Simon Sinek’s Start With Why?

There are lots of potential applications across a wide variety of areas.

Marketing

It has immediate applications in marketing.

Sinek’s example of why Apple resonates more than Dell with consumers is compelling.

If you’re marketing your company, product or service, what is your Why?

Why do you or your product exist?

If the answer to make people’s lives better, then that will be apparent in your product.

If it’s purely for profits at the expense of the customer, then this will shine through too.

A great example in the UK is a company called Green Energy.

Green Energy supplies energy in a sustainable way.

They want to change the world. That’s Why they do what they do.

It’s a compelling why and this shines through.

I was persuaded to use them because I wanted to be more green and it didn’t really cost me more than using other suppliers.

I also liked that they were different to other

Online dating advice for women (written by a guy)

chanman · Sep 12, 2016 · Leave a Comment

A few women I know are online dating. (I won’t say who they are.)

There’s a lot of angst because they’re not finding the right guys.

They’ve asked me for advice when we’ve been out socially so I thought I’d write a quick post about it, so it can help others.

Here are some tips for optimising your online game.

(It doesn’t matter which platform you use)

Your profile

Your photo is everything. Find your best photo. Don’t ask your girlfriends to help you.

You need feedback from the target audience: Men

Ask guys in your office. Ask your brother. Ask his friends.

Show them a selection of photos you’re considering and get them to tell you which is is the hottest pic of you.

Whichever one that is, that’s your profile photo.

Why not your girlfriend’s opinion?

Because it’s like asking your auntie what she thinks of your business plan instead of asking your target market.

What she thinks is a good idea is not at all.

In the same way, what a girl thinks is hot is generally not.

Your description

Your description is less important than your profile photo.

But if you want to cast your net as wide as possible and catch the most fish, this is a great opportunity to get it right.

We don’t respond well to lame descriptions.

Nothing says you’re a generic girl like ‘I love to learn new things. Love Sunday roasts and walks and wine by the fire.’

Nothing try-hard either.

Just tell us something real about yourself. Showing that you can laugh about yourself without demonstrating low-self-esteem.

Tell us you have life-long friends that you love and you’ve instantly set yourself apart from the majority of women online that seem to have no friends.

Most importantly, tell us what you want in a man and in a relationship.

Be real and honest. Don’t try to be laddy if you’re really a lady.

Don’t write what you think we want to hear.

You attract what you put out there.

Be clear what you want. You’re looking to polarise. You want to attract some people and repel others. This is what creates interest and not indifference.

Indifference is the worst thing you can get in online dating.

A strong outline might be:

I’m from xxxx. I love living in xxxx. I do xxxx and I love it. Although I am also interested in xxxx (back this up).

My interests are xxxx (not just eating burritos – although add that in.

The reason I’m on here is xxxx

I love to do xxx with my spare time.

I’m looking for xxxx in a man.

I’m looking for xxxx in a relationship.

Message me if you’re interested.

It’s confident and direct which demonstrates you’re of quality caliber. Again, ask your male friends to critique your description as you did with the photo.

The interaction

You will get a lot of attention from men.

Statistically, women receive 10x the number of messages online than men do.

10x!!

(See this article for more detail. It’ll make you feel better.)

These will fall into two buckets.

Men you want to pursue and men you want to delete forever.

The problem is you will be less cool with the former than the latter.

Being cool is essential.

Guys really want to chase. It’s not a cliche. We love a challenge.

If you’re too accommodating, we lose that opportunity of the chase and we’re disappointed.

Sounds absurd but it’s true.

Be cool, when all you want to do is jump his bones.

What to wear

Just look like you’ve made an effort. Wear something a bit feminine.

Wash your hair. Put a bit of make up on.

Finally

Smile. Have fun. Enjoy yourself.

Follow the above rules and start beating them off with a stick.

Hit me up with any questions in the comments below!

Further reading:

Men! THIS is the perfect dating profile picture to attract the ladies. If you’re female, THIS is the pic that will help you find love…