EDMOND CHAN

How can we live our best lives? Suck the marrow out of life.

Mindset

What’s really holding you back? Truly?

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If we start from the position that we all have potential, then why is there a gap between where your potential self is and where you are at the moment?

How big is that gap? What is your true potential? It might be that your true potential is way more than you think it is. In which case, the gap is even bigger than you know.

Step one is where you are now.

Step two is looking at where you think your potential is. So this might be being a writer or being an artist.

Step three is discovering where your true potential might be (and you would need help from outside to discover this). This might be being a rocket scientist, climbing the world’s highest and most difficult mountains.

Step four is addressing how to bridge that gap and narrow it as much as possible.

Do you think that you can achieve step two and step three?

If you don’t think you can, then something is holding you back.

It’s a mindset thing for sure.

A great example of opening up your mindset and horizons is what learning how to swim has done for me. Even after my first lesson, when I couldn’t really even finish a length of the pool, I was looking up scuba diving holidays. Now after three lessons, I’m thinking about taking up wild swimming in rivers and taking up surfing. This is all stuff that I’ve dreamed about doing but thought it was pure fantasy. Those are the sort of things that I come up with when asking myself “What’s on my bucket list? What would I love to do?” And now it’s all possible. My horizons and possibilities with regards to swimming and watersports have expanded.

Now if I asked myself about step 3 (discovering where your true potential might be), what’s possible with my swimming? What couldn’t I even contemplate or imagine before that first swimming lesson? Swimming the Channel or swimming the Hellespont? I wouldn’t have dared dream about that a month ago. Now it’s possible. Maybe not likely, but possible. Hold on, why isn’t that likely? Maybe I’ll think differently after I master the freestyle stroke. Imagine once I get to 1,000m without stopping, maybe my horizons with regards to swimming will be so far from what I can imagine now? Maybe swimming the length of the Thames? Who knows!

So what was holding me back?

Why has it taken me until I’m 39 to finally address my terrible swimming and do something about it? In my head, I told myself that it was because of my eyes that I couldn’t swim because of my poor eyesight. I’m a minus 4.0 in my left eye and a minus 0.75 in my right eye. This means that I can’t really see anything without contact lenses or glasses. And glasses or contacts don’t work in the pool. That’s what I told myself and that’s why I couldn’t go swimming to learn in the past 10, 15 or 20 years.

This was probably bullshit. Stuff I told myself so that I wouldn’t have to do it. Now that I’m 39 and thinking about having kids soon, I think it’s really important that I learn to swim. Just in case I ever need to and to teach my kids and just for the sheer joy of being good at a fundamental human skill.

The solution was ridiculously easy. I just googled ‘prescription goggles’ and it was SO cheap and easy. £15 for prescription goggles. Now swimming is something that I look forward to.

How easy was that?

What’s something that you want to do and what’s holding you back?

How can you break through? Maybe it’s that you want to be a singer. So how about taking a singing lesson. £100 for 5 lessons from a professional singing teacher. Or maybe you want to be an artist. Go on a short course at a decent art school. I did one for about £350 for 10 x 2 hour lessons at Chelsea School of Art. At the very least, it’s fun and you’ll find out whether it’s something you want to pursue. Let me know what you want to do in the comments below!

Slow the fuck down. How taking your time a bit more will help you enjoy your day.

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I’m generally rushing and multitasking most of the time. I want to squeeze in a podcast in the shower, watch self-improvement videos on YouTube, read business books on the bus to work. I cook quickly, wolf it down and wash up like a dervish.

Two things I’ve read recently have made me question this mode of doing stuff.

Firstly, I read a great article on Medium by Aytekin Tank (which I haven’t fully digested yet). It’s called: Why reading 100 books a year won’t make you successful. In it he says reading as many books as possible in the shortest amount of time won’t make you successful, and that actually it harms the very reasons why we should read in the first place:

(1) it destroys reading for pleasure. The best books I’ve ever read are probably the classics such as War and Peace, The Odyssey, and The Iliad. There’s no way I read these speed reading. I read them for pure pleasure. Not at a lazy speed, but just at the speed where I got huge pleasure from reading. (If you haven’t read them yet, please do yourself a favour and do so! You won’t regret it!)

(2) if the aim is to read as fast as possible, the speed likely hinders the

Secondly, I read a great chapter on Derek Sivers in Tim Ferriss‘s seminal book Tools of Titans where he describes how he does a long bike ride where he pedals hard and strains and sweats and which always takes him 43min to complete. One day, he did the same ride where he decided to take it slow and chilled and has a great time noticing things that he normally doesn’t like the ocean and pelicans. When he finishes the ride, and looks at his watch, he’s shocked to see that the ride took him just 45mins! 2mins longer and he had a much better time doing it.

Mind blown!

Try slowing down now. Some of the benefits are surprising.

Let’s start with reading.

With Ayetkin’s article in mind, today I started reading some of Laszlo Bock’s famous book Work Rules!: Insights from Inside Google That Will Transform How You Live and Lead. I tried to read it slowly and make sure that I wasn’t skimming and speed reading. I waited for my attention to catchup with my eye on the page. I stopped every so often whenever I wanted to and looked up from the book and a few seconds later (again when I wanted to), I started reading again.

5 mins went by. 10 mins went. Then 15 mins and I had to get back to work. But that was a very pleasurable 15 mins of reading. No judgement on myself for how much I read or didn’t read. Just a state of flow.

It’s very hard to make yourself slow down reading but just try and remember to do so. Don’t beat yourself when you forget.

Enjoy it. Slow down.

Discovering Mel Robbins: a summary of her message and her 5 Second Rule

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I recently discovered Mel Robbins on Instagram. She puts out great Instagram content such as:

I thought at first that she was Tony Robbins’s wife. But she’s not. Imagine those guys as a motivational power couple!

I’ve watched her great TEDx talk:

and her interview on Lewis Howes’s podcast:

Here is my summary of her message.

  • There is a gap between what you know you should do and actually doing that.
  • Motivation is not enough. Most of the time you won’t feel motivated to do what you don’t want to do.
  • The way around this is to make use of your basal ganglia which manages habit and unconscious action. eg for an example of unconscious action, think about when you put on your trousers in the morning. You just do it and if you thought now about which leg you put in first, you would have no idea!
  • To activate the basal ganglia, don’t let your prefrontal cortex and natural desire for comfort to hijack you. Instead use the 5 second rule.
  • Whenever you are going to procrastinate, you just count backwards from 5 and by 1 you’ve started doing what you’re wanted to do but were too lazy/scared to do. Eg if you want to start getting out of bed, you can’t just say ‘I’m going to start getting out of bed early’, because in all likelihood, if that’s not your habit, then you’re not going to do that. If instead you count down from 5 to 1 as you’re deciding to get out of bed as soon as you first wake up, then you’re more likely to get up.
  • Nobody is coming to save you. Don’t wait for that raise, starting that podcast, starting that business etc. Nobody is going to magically come and do this for you. You need to do this yourself. Help yourself.

External Links

39 things I know at 39

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1. Manage your testosterone

Testosterone for men is essential and the defining hormone that makes a man a man. High levels make you feel confident and rambunctious and aggressive. It makes you lean and muscular and gives you a strong sex drive. What’s not to like? In terms of testosterone, we’re supposed to be half the men our fathers and grandfathers were. Testosterone is produced at night and your body needs sleep and dietary fat to produce it. So eat red meat, nuts, butter and oil and get your sleep. And stay away from stress as well as stress produces cortisol, the stress hormone, and the testosterone killer.

2. The mind and body are inextricably linked

When you have problems with your body, you will have problems with your mind. When you’re ill with the flu, you have nothing to give with your mind. When you’re sad and depressed, your energy levels plummet. Don’t just focus on either your mind or your body. Focus on both. Eat well, sleep well, exercise well. Relax well, think well and read well.

3. Strive for there to be no disconnect between what you think and feel and what you present to the outside world

If you’re always filtering what you say to other people and not articulating what you really think, then there’s literally no integrity between your inner life and your outer life. You’re presenting a different person. If the real you is your inner world, then the one you presenting to the outside world is not real. Fake. How exhausting that must be. To constantly filter and watch what you say. Tell people what you really think What’s the worst that could happen? What’s the best that could happen in terms of feeling congruous between your inner world and your outer world? Strive for self-integrity and congruence.

4. Work your levers

When you’re feeling low or depressed, I always say to watch your levers. The levers are my words for the foundations of a good mental state. If you’re not sleeping well and enough, if you’re not eating well, then you’re going to be much more susceptible to being stressed and anxious. So work those levers. Do the foundations well. Eat decent food. Get sufficient sleep. Exercise well. Get some sunshine. Look after yourself.

5. Don’t put women on pedestals

I made this mistake for most of my post-pubescent life. At least until I was 30. Treat women like equals or even better, as bros, and see how much better you do with women.

6. Saving is a good thing

If I had saved just 5% of my paychecks each month, I’d have £50,000 more in savings by now. And that’s without investing that further. 5% of £2,000 per month is £100 per month. We could all definitely save that. In fact, the advice from The Richest Man in Babylon is to save 10% of your income before anything else. Like the book says, “Pay yourself first”.

7. Most conventional wisdom should be taken with a pinch of salt

Think about it. Most people know and follow conventional wisdom, and with that, most people do averagely.

8. Being positive is a superpower

When you’re young, people try very hard to appear world-weary and jaded. This just hurts them. Go against the grain and be relentlessly positive and optimistic.

9. We know very little for sure

A priori truths such as 2+2=4 is a certainty but democracy being superior than autocracy is much less certain, as is whether abortion or euthanasia is wrong. Yet people fight and protest about these things. As the Oracle said to Socrates, “Wisest is he who knows that he does not know”.

10. Exercise daily

Walk everywhere. Run when you can. Lift weights. Do pull-ups and push-ups. Feeling physically fit and strong will enhance your life every single day.

11. Seek adventure

I will never forget cycling from Land’s End to London or canoeing the length of The Thames or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or backpacking around the world or doing the Three Peaks Challenge. Although I’ve not done any challenges for a few years now, it’s time to get back on that horse.

12. Read more great books

Victor Niederhoffer said that he never reads books less than 100 years old. You don’t have to go that far, but surely there’s more in it for you to be acquainted with War and Peace, The Fountainhead, The Odyssey and The Iliad than in Booker Prize winners like Wolf Hall.

13. Invest in your friendships

I’m lucky to have circles of very good friends. Look after your friendships and nurture them. Because of my friends and the quality of those friendships, I count myself a very lucky man.

14. Tell the truth

Lying is bad for the soul. Even little lies hurt you. If you lie to others, then there is a disconnect between you and them. Why would you want to put a barrier between yourself and others around you. That’s the opposite of integrity. Don’t we all strive for integrity and authenticity? Well then, stop lying.

15. Be kind to people

You know how good it feels when someone is kind to you? That warm, fuzzy feeling? Feels good doesn’t it? Why not be the person who gives that feeling to someone else? Giving other people that feeling feels pretty good too. Make others feel good and make yourself feel good as well in the process.

16. Don’t be too nice a guy

You’re too nice if you put someone else’s self-interest above your own self-interest. Why would you do that? You’re at least as important as other people. At least. And probably more. So don’t be too nice and subsume yourself to other people.

17. Make the first move

Most people are afraid to make the move. Whether that’s saying something in a meeting, or asking for someone’s number or going first in a large training exercise. Show the way and go first. You’ll feel good for doing so and you’ll get more respect for doing so. Win win. Make the first move.

18. Keep going. The mind is often weak whilst the body is willing.

You know when you’re on a 5 mile run and you go for a fast finish from a mile out from the end. On a day when you’re not feeling it, you might get really tired with half a mile left to go. You don’t think you can go on, so you slow down and stop. You quit. However, the body could have kept going. It was your mind that was weak.

19. The power of 80/20

There’s so many applications of this principle. For example, 80% of a result comes from just 20% of the inputs. This means that we should focus on the 20% of inputs that really matter and that have an outsized bang for buck. It also means that it takes 20% of the total time to do something to get to 80% complete, and it will take you 80% of the time to finish the final 20%. So in lots of situations, just try to get to 80% done and move on.

20. You have the ability to always change your state of mind

Say you wake up in a bad mood and you let this bad mood pervade your whole day. What was the point of letting it ruin your whole day? Instead, take a deep breath, breathe out slowly, take another deep breath, exhale slowly. Put on your headphones and listen to your favourite tune, something uplifting to you. Try a few power poses like Amy Cuddy talks about and reset yourself. You are not a slave to your emotions. You control your mind and your mental state.

21. Know that what you consume is who you are

If you read comics all day long or binge watch zombie box sets on Netflix, know that this is who you are. You’re not developing skills, learning new things, gaining interesting new experiences, you’re a comic reader and a TV watcher. On the other hand, if you’re reading Milton and listening to jazz and opera, then you’re a poetry fan and an opera buff. Which would you rather be?

22. Create content every single day

Don’t just be a consumer all day. Whether that’s reading news in print or online, or scrolling through social media for hours on end. Consuming all the time doesn’t let you grow. Instead produce some content, whether that’s writing a blog (easy to do and set up), taking photos and uploading to Instagram with some interesting caption, making a vlog or even just doing a daily Facebook Live. Even if it’s just in a small, small way, be a creator and producer.

23. Keep learning every single day

Ancora Imparo or I am still learning. You leave school at 18 and you probably die around 75 or 80. That’s about 60 years that you have outside of formal education. Do you still carry on learning or do you remain static in learning from 18 onwards? For most people, the latter is the case. Don’t be like that. Everyday, try to learn something new. Google the blockchain, enroll on a free computer science course from Harvard or MIT, pick up a book on MBA skills, read some classic philosophy or poetry. Keep on learning, a bit every day.

24. Don’t read most newspapers. Most news is pointless to consume

It might be about celebrity gossip, sports, immigration, Brexit. It’s mostly pointless. Do you need to consume this? Even if you did need to consume this, can you trust the source? What is the spin that’s being put onto the story? Even newspapers of record like The Times of London have a spin or slant on their reporting of events. The only paper I trust is The Financial Times followed closely by The New York Times. Be careful with the news you consume.

25. Appearance matters

Dress well and look good. Think about a time you went in for a bank appointment and think about the bank staff who served you. Did they look like they’d just come out of school with a suit that didn’t fit them properly or dd they look like an experienced professional who should be taken seriously? We see interactions play out like this multiple times on a daily basis. Think about the flipside. What impressions are you throwing out there?

26. Find a woman who treats you well

Assuming you’re going to get married, you’re going to be married for a very long time. You’re going to be spending more time with them than anyone else, and for decades. This one then is a no-brainer.

27. Treat yourself kindly

Time and time again, I see people put huge burdens and expectations on themselves. They beat themselves up for not being productive and castigate themselves for not being perfect. Go easy on yourself. You wouldn’t let your kids or your friends and family be like this. Why do you do it to yourself? Treat yourself well and with kindness.

28. Negative self-talk is toxic

I hear people I know say on a daily basis stuff like, “I’m an idiot.” or “I could never understand that”. or “I’m fat” or “I’m the worst”. This is terrible self-talk. You’d never talk to your friends like that. Why would you talk to yourself like that? Language is so incredibly important. It leaves a psychological mark or impression as soon as you say it. If you say, “I’m worried about…”, even if you not worried about it, guess what? You’re going to feel slightly worried, just because you said the word ‘worried’. Watch the language you use to talk to yourself. It’s crucial. Replace it with power words, kind self-talk, and positivity.

29. Language and precision of language matters

We’ve seen how bad self-talk infects you. That is the power of language. We can use it for good and for our own well-being. Think about whether you’re over-exaggerating your illness, your stress-ness and ask yourself what would be a more accurate way of describing your circumstances. I bet it would be less over-egged than you intially described it as. And guess what, I bet you’d feel better too.

30. Don’t watch too much Netflix

One hour a day is 7 hours a week or 365 hours per year. 365 hours a year!! That’s the same as 15 solid full days of watching Netflix! 15 solid days. Think about what you could have done in that time. Watch the hours. How you spend your hours is how you spend your years.

31. Smile and laugh all the time

Life is too short to be miserable or even to be restrained and measured all the time. Smile whenever you find something funny or amusing. Watch comedies. Hang out with funny people. Don’t be a grump unless you have very good reason to be so, and even then, don’t stay grumpy for long.

32. Life is too short to hold grudges

Grudges shackle you to the past. You’re holding onto to something that other person in all likelihood does even know about. The negativity of a grudge is hurting you. No one ever said, give me more negativity, it’s awesome. Let it go, and move on. You’ll find you more space in your mind and your heart for other more positive and beneficial things.

33. Seek some balance

If you’re spending too much time in the city, go and find some peace in the countryside or the beach. If you’re partying too much, take a few weeks off the partying. If you’re eating too much junk food, eat clean for a few weeks. Don’t go to the other extreme, just find a balance.

34. Be generous

Be generous with your time, your praise, your money, your kindness, your energy and your zest for life. It’s good for you. It will make you feel good. For those of you who think that the above resources are finite and that therefore they should be preserved, you couldn’t be further from the truth. How can you give too much time, too much praise? Think from a position of abundance. Would you rather live in a world where people were mean and penny-pinching? Of course not. Don’t be that guy. Be generous.

35. Know that you can always change your mental state

If you’ve had an argument in the morning, does this negative mood continue for the whole day? If so, why do you let it do so? Park it, compartmentalise it, move on. It’s already ruined your morning, why let it ruin your afternoon too? Slow down, take a deep breath and focus on the next thing you have to do. Read more in this previous article on how to become more positive.

36. Realise just how fucking lucky you are

Every day I think about what a lucky bastard I am. I think about how lucky I am to have two legs, a good brain, all my senses intact, some skills and knowledge, how lucky I was to have great parents and a great sister who cared for me and gave me a great education or how lucky I am to have a great wife who looks after me and loves me, or to have great friends who I’ve known all my life, or have a good job or to have the ability to travel and to be free of mental and physical illness. Think about what you have gratitude for and smile about that every single day. Trust me, this shit works.

37. Have a growth mindset and not a fixed mindset

We’ve talked about growth mindset vs fixed mindsets before. A fixed mindset thinks that you can’t learn or develop new skills, and that your abilities and potential are fixed at birth. A growth mindset on the other hand believes that even if they can’t do something now, they can learn how to do that thing and make that happen. Which do you think you have right now? If it’s a fixed mindset, know that you can start cultivating a growth mindset right now.

38. Talk to strangers

We’re social creatures at our core. Talking to just a few people each day is anti-social and bad for you as you’re not scratching this essential itch. Talking to new people will scratch one of our fundamental needs: to be social. Get out of your anti-social comfort zone and talk to new people. Start small if this is uncomfortable. Say hi to your neighbours, to the person at the train station, the barista at the coffee shop, the bus driver, someone you recognise from your commute, anyone! Watch the positive impact that this has on your day.

39. Diminishing returns

This principle applies to much more than just economics. One example of it is that a £10 burger often tastes much better than a £5 burger, but the difference between the £10 burger and a £15 burger is often not as great as the difference between the £10 burger and the £5 burger. Apply this to cars, watches, clothes, eating out, wine, everything! It’ll make you think twice about buying a £60 bottle of wine. How much better really is it than a £20 bottle? Try to find the sweetspot of returns. Eg. do you really need to spend more than £300 on a good watch. Or £200 on a really good pair of shoes? Or £9 on a good burger (check out Bleeker Burger’s double cheese)

And one more for luck…..Stop complaining! There’s always someone alive in the world who is much worse off than you. There’s likely billions of people who have it worse than you. Imagine that guy in a Brazilian prison, or that person who has to walk 6 miles just to drink some water than may kill them, or that person who’s been homeless for 10 years with mental illness. Simply put, your situation doesn’t warrant complaining about. As Gary Vaynerchuck consistently says, you being alive was a 400 trillion to one shot. 400 trillion!! You’re ridiculously lucky to be alive. Stop whining!

What would you add to this list? Let me know in the comments below!

To paraphrase Jocko Willink, Decisiveness Equals Freedom

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The legendary Jocko Willink says that Discipline Equals Freedom. I take this to mean that accepting and embracing discipline and structure in your life will take away the need for willpower as well as paralysis by analysis and procrastination.

In recent days, I’ve been feeling good and I think it’s down to making decisions, quick decisions and good decisions about things big and small.

Deciding yesterday in a Waterloo pub that I’d book us in for lunch in 25 minutes in St. John and Uber it there was pretty good. (Angelique seemed to like the decisiveness)

And today, we took inspiration from my sister and decided to sell our flat and buy a bigger one. It’s a decision we’ve put off and off, but having made it in 5 minutes of discussion in the car on the way to dim sum with my Dad, was decisive for sure.

Of course, it’s nothing like an Obama-sized decision but for me, someone is probably quite indecisive (although I wouldn’t like to call myself that, who would?!), making decisions quickly has been liberating.

If you’re not decisive, you’re probably weighing up all your options before making a decision.

But, paradoxically and counter-intuitively, umming and ahhing is the wrong thing to do.

Think about an easy decision, one where the options are just so obviously imbalanced, where one is great and the other is bad. In that case, you just pick the great one in no time at all.

But where the options are more balanced like on a wine list or menu, then you might um and ah, taking your time over the decision and weighing up the lost pleasures of the option you pass over. In cases where the options are finely balanced, then there’s not much to choose between the options and you should just plump for one. Don’t waste time and mental energy faffing over the decision.

Where the decisions are much bigger like should you move house, change careers, end a relationship, move countries, the pros and cons feel so complex that you don’t make any decision at all. Hopefully, the decision gets made for you or you happen to end up with the right outcome just by having not made any decision at all.

That’s pretty shit though isn’t it? Passively bumbling through, feeling paralysed by the options. No wonder you don’t feel liberated most of the time. Like me, you’re not captaining the ship. That ship is the most important ship of all: you.

What’s exhilarating about making a decision is that you are saying to yourself that YOU are in control. YOU are committing to this course of action. That there’s nothing more to be said.

Decisiveness equals freedom.