Mind

In pursuit of better sleep

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I’ve been an insomniac for most of my life. The first memory I have of it being a thing for me was in my first or second year at boarding school when my housemaster remarked on it. He said it was a condition that affected bright people. Of course, I took that. 🙂

Left to my own devices on school holidays, I would stay awake long past midnight. I would read the latest Harry Potter until I finished it, say at 6am in the morning. I would then wake at 11am or 12 noon and not be tired until the early hours again. Over and over. This is fine when you’re on holiday but less so when you have stuff to do the next morning.

I remember at university, I had a 9am exam on Personal Identity. I went to bed at 11pm and watched the hours tick by. By 4am, I was literally punching the walls in frustration. I knew that I had to sleep in order to be at my best in the exam but as 7am rolled around, I knew that ship had sailed. I still did okay in that exam but it was a classic example of insomnia getting the better of me.

The same happened on my attempt to get into the Army. I stayed over at Westbury and that night went to bed at 12am and couldn’t get to sleep for ages. The 5.30am wakeup call and early tests should have screamed at me that this probably wasn’t the best-suited career for me.

Later, I had a second round interview for a pupillage at a criminal law chambers at 12pm on a Saturday. I had done well at the first interview and now was the big one. I lay in bed all night knowing that I needed to sleep to do well in the debates that I knew were coming. I didn’t sleep a wink and all the coffee in the world couldn’t help me. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.

Insomnia hits every now and again in bursts. I can’t predict when it happens. But when it does, it hits for a few days at a time. I’ve gone through periods where before work the next day, I’ve had to get out of bed at 2.30am/3am and go and drink a few shots of port just to calm my mind down and almost numb my mind so that I can get just a few hours before waking at 7.45am. I’m not at my best at work by any stretch.

The results of insomnia aren’t good. On zero sleep, you feel sweaty as your body is unable to regulate its temperature properly. You feel hazy and almost drunk. You start praying for bedtime although you know that’s miles away. You crave sugar hits and empty carbs. You pray that you don’t have any difficult tasks that require mental sharpness. Did I say that you start praying for bedtime?

What would be the dream? I would love to be able to sleep whenever I wanted. To put my head down at 10pm and be asleep within 10 minutes would be amazing. Angelique is exactly like this. She can close her eyes and be asleep in 2 minutes. To be a morning person like you read in the press, where CEOs like Tim Cook get up at 4am to work out would be the dream. I come closest to being a morning person when I’m back from a visit to Australia, when the jet lag means I’m tired at 8.30pm and wide awake and bouncing out of bed at 5.30am.

What’s working for me at the moment….

Touch wood, I’m almost there. Without jinxing it, my sleep has been okay for a couple of months now. Here’s my routine:

I try to get up around 6.30am so that I’m tired around bedtime. I have a coffee to loosen the bowels and after that, I shower and go to the gym to lift some compound movements to stress the central nervous system. I do bench press, pull ups, seated rows, overhead press in 2o minutes, then up for another shower, then work.

I try not to eat supper too late in the evenings, ideally around 8pm, then the sleep hygiene wind down routine kicks in. I try to avoid too much blue light from screens. I have my laptop screen set to dim after sundown (try installing f.lux). I also set my mobile to dim as well. I try to have just low lighting in my flat after dark and try to be in bed by 12am at the latest.

I write down on post-it notes any thoughts I have for the next day and I try not to have any meetings booked in for the morning, so that I don’t have that anxiety of trying to get a good night’s rest beforehand.

To help calm my mind down at bedtime, I take two capsules of Kalms and then two tablets of melatonin. Melatonin is the hormone that tells your brain to sleep. This might seem like a bit of a cocktail, and it might also be a bit of placebo, buts it’s working for me. Also, I need Angelique to be in bed as well. I like to feel safe as well so I check the doors a couple of times (might well be my OCD as well).

For now, it’s working. I feel great. Rested and energetic. Let me know if any of this has helped you in the comments below.

Should we self-censor what we consume?

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When I was at uni, I took an Aesthetics class. The Philosophy of Art. I don’t remember much from that course except for a couple of essays on Plato and Tolstoy.

Plato was keen that when educating the young men of his Republic that their art be censored and that the youth should only consume art that promoted nobility. So poetry shouldn’t be about loucheness and hedonism, rather they should be about promoting bravery in battle and moral uprightness.

I was reminded of this recently after binge watching a series of Mindhunter on Netflix, a show about the FBI’s profiling of serial killers in the 1970s. This is show that goes deep into the minds and motivations of deeply disturbed people, and it’s very entertaining and very compelling. We watched this off the back of Unabomber, another Netflix show, this time about the hunt for another serial killer, Ted Kaczynski. Again very entertaining and compelling.

The question I had was: “is this type of show good for me? Is it making me a better human?”

You might say “lighten up mate, it’s just a show”.

But is it just a show? Say that you watch 2 of these series. That’s nearly 20 hours of dark subject matter. Are we really saying that this has no effect on your brain, on your neural pathways? By exposing yourself to the fetishes of psychopaths, is your own mind becoming corrupted or infected? What are you consuming to offset this? What positive, elevating content are you consuming to counteract this negativity?

Let’s look at what Plato might recommend for our viewing consumption.

Say you watch one hour of TV a day after work. Instead of Netflix, imagine that for one month you watched TED Talks. A TED Talk is around 15 mins, so that’s 4 TED Talks a day. That’s 120 TED Talks a month. How much more elevated do you think you’d be on this diet as opposed to on just consuming Netflix?

We can do the same with our other channels of consumption. Take Instagram. If you wanted to lose weight, replace the photos of burgers and huge pizzas with buddha bowls and salads. Make your feed one that is congruent with your overall goals.

Maybe Plato was right. Censor what you consume for the better.

How can we improve mental health?

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I go through low periods. For those who know me, this might sound surprising. I’m normally bouncing off the walls with positivity. And this is true for the most part. There are times however where I make myself positive, because I want to and I know that to some extent, you can control your mental state.

Mental health is one of those things that we don’t really discuss. Which is strange given how much time we devote to physical health. We sign up to gym memberships, we go running, we watch what we eat and look for the latest superfoods. Instagram is full of accounts dedicated to inspiring us to exercise better and eat better.

But what about mental health? Shouldn’t we also work on that? How do we improve mental health?

It’s becoming better known that the biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK is suicide. This is a shocking fact. According to this article in the Independent, of the 6,000 suicides in the UK per year, 75% of those are male. That is a shocking fact.

improve mental health

What can we draw from this fact?

Firstly, men are more likely to kill themselves than women. Why?

Secondly, what about the number of men who are near-suicidal but don’t actually go on to kill themselves? I’m going to speculate that this figure is bigger than the 4,500 that commit suicide. For the sake of this post, let’s say that figure is 25,000. That’s 25,000 near-suicidal men in the UK every year.

Thirdly, what about the number of men that aren’t near-suicidal, but instead are severely depressed? I’m going to speculate that this figure is 100,000.

Fourthly, what about the number of men that aren’t severely depressed, but instead aren’t as happy and flourishing as they might be? I’m going to speculate that this figure is in the millions. And that’s just in the UK.

Now for the benefit of those reading this that know me, I want to emphasise that I’m not suicidal. But in my life, I have had the thought about throwing myself off my balcony, imagining what that would be like. Or throwing myself in front of an oncoming train.

However, whilst I’ve never been suicidal, I have been low in my life. It doesn’t happen that often, maybe once or twice a year. This past week, I’ve had some low moments.

For me, this feels like when everything’s getting on top of me. Things that I would normally take in my stride, are suddenly obstacles. Obstacles stacked on top of more obstacles. I get frustrated much faster. My OCD goes into overdrive. I have trouble sleeping. My patience is thinner. I want to just lie in bed under the duvet for hours. I’ll stop writing and I’ll stop reading. I’ll eat more junk food. I won’t want to exercise. I won’t want to socialise.  I wonder if I’ll ever get out of this funk. I wonder if I’ll ever get back to my normal highs.

So what can we do to get out of our lows, our ruts, our funks?

My wife and my sister had some good advice last week when I was feeling low.

They identified that I’d been out a lot in the past month. Three or four serious booze ups and regular drinking during the week. My sleeping was patchy. This probably led to the knock-on effects of the above symptoms.

It was time to get back to basics. I’m a big believer that the body and the mind are way more connected than we think. Things that are going on in the body can have a profound impact on the mind. We’ve seen in previous articles how hormones such as testosterone and cortisol impact mental states. There’s likely to be chemical imbalances in the brain when we’re feeling down.

I’m focused now on reducing my levels of angst and anxiety. To that end, I’m:

Reducing caffeine intake

I drink a lot of coffee. People watch me make instant coffee and always say that it looks like tar. I drink less than I have done in previous years. These days, I don’t drink any coffee after 12pm otherwise it affects my sleep. At the very least, caffeine raises your heart rate and makes your mind race. I’m hoping that reducing my intake by half will reduce my anxiety and help me sleep better.

Reducing alcohol

I don’t know what it is, but alcohol affects me much more than it did when I was younger. I get hangovers after 4 pints the night before. I’m sluggish in the morning. My brain is foggier than it should be. I feel more tired. I’m hoping that reducing my intake will leave me with a clearer head and feeling clearer and more energised.

Eating as well as I can

Dieting is a bad idea when you’re feeling low. Restricting calories or carbohydrates is not going to encourage feel-good hormones in your body. You’re going to feel tired and cranky. When you’re hungry, you’re more likely to feel frustrated more easily.

I also try to eat more nutritious food. So out goes the junk food for a bit. In come the soups, steaks, and loads of vegetables. I try to remember to drink lots of water and stay hydrated.

Exercise

When I’m feeling low, the last thing I want to do is get down the gym. But that’s exactly what you need to do. Lift heavy and go at least twice a week. Allow your body to recover and eat plenty in your days of rest.

Talk to someone about this

It’s sound cliched but a problem shared is a problem halved. Often, the anxiety and angst that you’re feeling isn’t anything near as bad as you think it is. The person you confide in will probably think that it’s not that bad and this will make you feel better. They will also support you at this tie when you need the support the most.

improve mental health

Eventually…after a few weeks….

You’ll start to feel better. You’ll be back to your normal levels of positivity (which are different for everyone). You’ll be ready to try some of these ways to increase your positivity levels.

Let me know in the comment below if you ever feel low and or if any of the above has affected you. What do you do to help yourself out of your ruts?

These 11 things can make you the most positive person you’ve ever met

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I took a Strengths Finder test a few years ago and it said that my number one strength was positivity.

My number one strength! I couldn’t fucking believe it.

I wasn’t very happy about this because it’s a bit lame really. Definitely not as cool or impressive as say your number one strength being ‘Strategy’. (That did actually come up as my fifth best strength.)

Here’s the results I got:

how to be more positive
Gallup Strengths Finder results

When someone asks you what your strengths are, you don’t really want to say positivity because what does that even mean?!

Recently though, I’ve started to think differently about this.

It comes up again and again. People often remark that I’m ‘always so positive’ or that I’m the ‘most positive person they’ve ever met’.

So maybe I’m in the 98th percentile for positivity. That’s pretty good right?

Maybe you can’t change your nature so maybe it’s time to embrace it.

I started thinking that maybe this is something I can help people with. Maybe I could teach you how to be more positive.

So here goes:

1. Know that you can always change your mental state

You might have woken up to an argument with your partner and you might have left the house in a bad mood. You can’t shake it off on your commute and you’re still fuming about it at work.

When you’re in a bad mood, the stress hormone cortisol is pumping through your system and it’s affecting your ability to concentrate and be creative.

At its worst, this feeling can last for the whole day.

Think about the craziness of that. A whole day ruined because of an argument.

Now let’s rewind.

Assuming that you weren’t able to resolve the argument before you left the house, you have to find a way to shake off that bad mood as soon as possible.

If you can’t, then you’re not in control of your emotions. Your emotions are controlling you.

Compartmentalise. Try to put it to one side. Your home’s side. Your domestic side.

Or choose to view the argument in a different way.

Look at it from a more positive point of view. The argument has raised important points that it’s better that they’ve been raised rather than allowed to fester. That realisation is where progress comes from. Or that it’s going to be resolved soon and your relationship will be the stronger for it.

You’re in control of your thoughts and your emotions. Don’t be a slave to your emotions. Control them instead.

2. Know how to whip yourself up into a higher energy state

Energy and your mental state are very closely related.

Think about it. When you’re feeling sluggish and low-energy, do you feel positive or negative?

You could be faced with the same situation, but if you come into it with high energy, you’re more likely to feel positively about that particular situation.

On the flip side, if you come into that same situation feeling groggy, then you’re less likely to feel positive about that situation.

Look at how boxers or MMA fighters come into the arena. They’re jogging on the spot. They’re throwing out combinations of punches. They’re jabbing the air. They’re tapping themselves in the face. Whipping themselves up into a higher state of energy, readying themselves for the fray ahead.

Or look at Tony Robbins before he comes on stage. He’s jumping on a trampoline, breathing deeply, big smile on his face, geeing himself up just like a boxer does. And it works.

In the mornings, try going for a short jog with a sprint finish or go to the gym and lift some heavy weights. Or if you don’t have time, simply get on the floor by your bed and do push ups until fatigue. Then sing loud along to your favourite song.

You can control your energy levels. Try the tips above.

3. Think about why you’re a lucky bastard

If you think you’ve had a bad day, try this exercise. It’s pretty similar to Gratitude.

I use this on my wife when she’s down.

So for example, in the heat of summer, our flat is super hot. It’s around 31 degrees right now. Now we could moan about this, and say how bad our lives are right now.

But I always say, stop being a moaner. At least we’re not in Iraq right now fighting wars in 50 degree heat, with 100lbs of kit and no water. Compared to that, we’re pretty goddamn lucky.

Or I think about how lucky I am to have two legs, a good brain, all my senses intact, some skills and knowledge, how lucky I was to have great parents and a great sister who cared for me and gave me a great education or how lucky I am to have a great wife who looks after me and loves me, or to have great friends who I’ve known all my life, or have a good job or to have the ability to travel and to be free of mental and physical illness.

Think about why you’re a lucky bastard and do this exercise every day and whenever you’re down.

Start from the beginning:

You’re lucky that:

  • You’re alive!
  • You have a roof over your head
  • You’ve got friends (hopefully)
  • You’ve got a family
  • You have some money
  • You have food
  • You live in a free society (hopefully)
  • You have a working mind

You carry on. After about ten items you’re lucky for, you’ll start to feel really good about yourself and your situation. Repeat daily.

4. Improve your self talk

I hear so much bad self talk every single day.

A colleague might say ‘I can’t do that. I’m not good enough.’

My wife might say that she’s ‘feeling fat’.

And these are just the words they say out loud. To another person.

Can you imagine what they say to themselves in their own heads?

Why are they so harsh on themselves?

Now you might say that maybe what they’re saying is true. But I can tell you that it’s never really true.

Language is so important and the words you use can have good and bad effects on you and the people around you.

Let’s go back to the previous examples:

My colleague could have said, ‘I’m not sure that I could do that yet but I’m sure I could learn.’

Doesn’t that sound more positive? Do you think my colleague would be more upbeat after saying that than the words ‘I can’t do that. I’m not good enough’?

Start reframing the way you talk to yourself.

Instead of ‘I can never lose weight because I’m destined to be a fattie’ why not reframe it and say ‘I’ve never found it easy to lose weight but this time I’m going to follow a new eating and exercise plan and I’m going to lose weight.’

Instead of saying ‘I can’t learn a new coding language because I’m not clever enough’ say ‘I will find the right training programme that will fit the way that I learn best and I will learn whatever I put my mind to’.

Improve your self talk now. Whenever you catch yourself giving yourself bad self talk, stop and reframe.

Talk to yourself the way that you’d give encouragement to your best friend or your child.

You wouldn’t crush them would you? Of course not; you’d motivate and uplift.

Do the same for yourself.

5. Know that you could learn whatever it is you put your mind to

I suppose this is actually a form of confidence but I do feel that I could learn anything that I put my mind to.

Now that might not be objectively true because maybe quantum physics is actually beyond me. But I do believe that if I worked on it for 100 hours and got the best teachers and they found a way that I could relate to the material best, then I could have a decent grasp of the subject.

Rightly or wrongly, that’s my belief.

This is also known as a Growth Mindset, first coined by Carol Dweck.

She contrasts a fixed vs a growth mindset.

A fixed mindset is where a person believes that their abilities and personalities are largely ‘fixed’ and unchanging. Those are just the cards that you’ve been dealt. When you succeed, you attribute that success to your innate abilities and when you fail, you attribute that failure to your innate lack of abilities. Failure is seen as a reflection of your fixed abilities. Think of the person who believes they lack artistic talent. ‘I can’t draw. Never been good at it. Never will be.’

A growth mindset on the other hand believes that abilities are not fixed. They can grow or recede. They might be bad at drawing but faced with needing to become better at drawing, they will find a course and learn how to become better at drawing. They will believe that their drawing ability can improve.

Which do you think will make you more positive?

Growth mindset of course.

Imagine your life with a growth mindset.

You’d be planning a trip to Spain and with 4 weeks to go, you might buy a beginner’s guide to Spanish, because you’d be confident in your ability to learn some Spanish.

You might not be a good swimmer but one day you decide to learn once and for all.

A growth mindset just opens up possibilities and horizons for you. Isn’t that better than walking round with a fixed mindset all the time?

To move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset isn’t easy but the best way is to look at people you know who you know didn’t have that much talent in a particular field but still became good at it.

Okay not Tiger Woods as you might think he has innate God-given talents (even though he has practiced for tens of thousands of hours since he was 18 months old).

I knew a guy at university had never played golf before university. But he fell in love with the game and all his friends played golf. He decided that he wouldn’t settle for being an average golfer. He took serious lessons and he practiced diligently. In two years, he was down to a six handicap. (That’s really good by the way)

When you think about people like my golfer friend, that’s when you realise that maybe abilities aren’t so fixed after all.

Take inspiration from his example and go after what you want.

Here’s a great article from Brainpickings about the difference in the two mindsets.

6. Know that you can always change your situation

Okay maybe not if you’re in prison.

However, assuming you’re not in prison, you can always change your situation.

Not enjoying your job? Change your job.

In a relationship you’re unhappy in? Leave that relationship.

Not that easy you say? Why isn’t it?

When did you become so helpless?

It’s like the story of the elephant and the rope.

A guy walked past an elephant in a circus and was amazed that this huge creature was held by a small rope on one of its rear legs attached to a tiny pole in the ground. He wondered why the elephant didn’t just walk off effortlessly pulling the rope and pole out of the ground.

He asked a circus worker why this was the case.

The circus worker replied that the same rope had been around the elephant since he was a very small baby elephant. At that age, the rope was enough to keep him from escaping. After trying a few times, he realised that he couldn’t break free of the rope. So he stopped trying. Even now, as an adult elephant and now easily strong enough to break free of a hundred ropes, he doesn’t believe he can, so he doesn’t even try.

Sad story eh?

Now let’s go back to the earlier examples.

Don’t think you can change your job? What’s your invisible ‘rope’? Is it really that hard to change your job? Pull out the figurative rope and pole. Look for new jobs and apply to them. Put enough effort into it and you’ll find a great new job.

Can’t leave your relationship? Do the right thing and have a conversation with your partner. Tell them you’re not happy at the moment and tell them how you feel. You’ll either improve your relationships or you’ll end the relationship (or maybe they will).

Know that you can always change your situation.

7. Enjoy being around people. Enjoy your fellow man.

I love being social. I can’t be social all the time – like most people, I need time to myself. But on the whole, I like to be around people.

Be happy to see people you know. Give people hugs, greet them with a big smile and tell them it’s great to see them again. Ask how things are. Give them a gentle tease if they can take it.

Organise dinners, parties, BBQs, reunions, poker nights, booze ups, anything. Be a giver not a taker.

8. Surround yourself with positive people

And if you can’t find them, find them online.

I mean on podcasts or on YouTube.

Check out this guy called Charlie Houpert who has a channel called Charisma on Command where he dissects and teaches you how to have much stronger interpersonal skills.

Or Tony Robbins. I’m sure you’ve heard of him.

Or Casey Neistat.

Or Jocko Willink.

9. Eliminate or minimise negative people

The mirror of the previous point. You know someone who is generally negative about stuff. Just cut them out. Energy is a precious thing. Don’t let someone always keep sapping your energy. You’ve worked hard to raise your positivity and your energy levels. Why should the same people bring you down.

Cut them out. Or if you can’t because maybe they’re your family, then tell them not to be so depressing. If that doesn’t work, then maybe you need to see them less. It might sound harsh but if you don’t then you will feel way less energetic and less positive than if you did cut them out.

10. Know how your body affects your mental state, both positively and negatively

I’ve written earlier blog posts on how your body affects your mind.

We saw from Amy Cuddy how great posture can affect your confidence levels. Think about the dominant pose before an interview. How posing with your arms aloft and chest puffed out can increase testosterone in your body. Testosterone, amongst many other things, is the confidence and dominance hormone.

Conversely, we know from Cuddy also that if you huddle up with your shoulders rounded and slightly stooped that you lose that feeling of dominance and you become more fearful.

11. Consume mostly uplifting and positive content

If you read the Daily Mail (Daily Hate), watched only the BBC news channel, listened to old Radiohead and emo, do you think you’d be feeling positive after all that?

Of course not.

What about if you woke up and listened to the overture of The Marriage of Figaro or the overture to Tannhauser?

Then you read a few pages of Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Then you watched an animated book review on FightingMediocrity’s Youtube channel.

Then you read the front page of the Financial Times.

Then you listened to a quality podcast like Jocko Willink’s.

How do you think you’d feel after that quality content binge? A bit better than the previous diet of negativity, right?

Your turn

Hopefully, you’ve learned some useful tips on how to be more positive. Start putting these into action today and let me know how you got on!

Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday – key takeaways

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On my Kindle for iPad Mini

 

Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday is the third book in my Book a Week Challenge. I must admit that I didn’t find this an easy read. Street Smarts was a page turner. Ego is the Enemy less so.

That’s not to say that it’s not got an important message. It does. And it’s a message that you can apply to your own life.

Key Takeaways

Don’t let your Ego get in the way of proper progress

I’ve been playing golf for since I was 13. That’s more than 20 years ago. I’m still a pretty poor player knocking around a 24 handicap.

You’d think that in 20 years I might have improved. Even one shot better a year would have meant I’d be a single figure golfer by now.

So why haven’t I improved. Holiday would say that my Ego has prevented me from improving. I think I’m good enough. Or I think I’ll get better with a little swing thought or a quick hack.

Instead I should accept the reality: that I’m an average golfer who’s not going to get better on my current trajectory.

At the moment, my Ego is in the way of my progress.

If I want to get better, I should find a good teacher and diligently work on what they tell me to do. For as long as it takes to get better. Rinse and repeat.

Don’t let a little success get in the way of further success

I think I’m a reasonable cook. I know basic techniques and I believe that I have good taste.

This is enough for my Ego to think that I’m a good cook and that I don’t need to learn any more.

Will I go on to learn how to bake? How to make fresh pasta? To learn how to make sushi?

Not at the moment. Because I’ve had a little success and my Ego already thinks it’s a Michelin starred chef.

Always be the student, never the master

If you think you know it all, then you’ve already lost.

Almost everyone wants to become a millionaire.

Why is it that most people don’t make it?

Everyone thinks they know what it takes to be a millionaire.

Their Ego has got in the way. They’ll tell you about property, about some hot shares tip, about Bitcoin.

Anything except being a serious student dedicated to a defined goal.

If you want to become a millionaire, go and find a millionaire and listen to and implement what they advise you to do.

If you want to become a scratch golfer, go and find a top golf instructor and rebuild your game from the ground up. Change your grip, work on your posture, practise diligently until this becomes second nature.

If you want to be a great writer, learn the whole craft. Write and get your writing critiqued. Feedback. Feedback and more feedback. Remember, you’re the student.

Buy Ego is the Enemy here.

Check out Ryan Holiday’s website here.