Mindset

Defeating anxiety and stress

chanman · May 29, 2016 · 1 Comment

I’m an anxious person.

I’m a happy person but I can also be an anxious person.

Those who know me, know that I have OCD as well as general worry about things.

My OCD is pretty standard as things go.

I have a routine upon leaving the house.

I check the balcony door is locked. I check the hob. I check the taps are shut off in the kitchen.

I turn off all power sockets.

I check that the shower is off. I check that the bathroom taps are shut off.

Then I get to the front door.

I check this is locked by pushing the door 30 times.

This must sound utterly insane to someone who has no OCD tendencies.

And it is.

I know it’s crazy but still I do it.

Why do I continue to do it?

Because it gives me reassurance that it’s done.

I’ve been down the street before and come back to the house to check that I’d turned the hob off.

In case it was on and the flat burned down.

How does this make me feel?

Like I have a mental problem.

I feel powerless and frustrated that I can’t control my thoughts.

That my irrational fears are in control of me.

The routine helps me get on with my day.

With the routine done properly, I’m able to trust that it’s done and everything is squared away.

I know that when I’ve done it, that my house isn’t going to burn down, get burgled, or get flooded.

Insane I know. But it helps me get on with living.

It isn’t at the point where it’s life debilitating.

I’m a functioning member of society.

I can work.

I have great friends and family.

I can work on projects like this blog.

I can have a great time doing things I love.

But I know that I’d love to go through life without this worry.

In practical terms, it wastes my time and my mental energy.

It disempowers me.

When people try to ‘cure’, I can rationalise it.

But it’s an irrational urge.

The thoughts keep pushing their way into my mind.

To the point where I can’t concentrate on anything else.

So I get to the point where I think that my routine is a small price to pay for being able to get on with my day.

A small price, but a price all the same.

I know it’s not ideal.

Why am I writing about this?

Because anxiety is an epidemic crippling people’s mental well-being

If I can help just a bit, then writing this will be more than worth it.

So many people I know have anxiety to the point where they recognise they have it and they believe that’s it’s affecting their happiness.

And often more.

I won’t go into names because that wouldn’t be right.

One thing they’ve all got in common is that from the outside, they’ve got it together.

They’re generally extroverts who are sociable, likeable and fun to be around.

People think they’re confident alpha-types.

And they are.

But they’re also battling with worry and anxiety.

Things like have they offended someone? Are they being judged?

I thought a lot about how to get rid or at least reduce anxiety particularly when five people I knew told me about their anxiety.

I recommended to one person to concentrate on pulling levers.

Pulling levers

Stress and anxiety can be exacerbated by excess cortisol in the body.

Cortisol is the stress hormone.

It has an evolutionary purpose. It prepares the body for fight or flight.

It’s incredibly useful for life and death situations much like adrenaline.

However, it’s supposed to leave the body a short time after it’s produced.

When it doesn’t, that’s when we started seeing problems.

In today’s world, we see people suffering from long-term, low levels of constant cortisol.

This is the source of stress.

We’re not supposed to be stressed and anxious all the time.

Stress makes us depressed.

It makes us fat and unhappy.

Stress is literally killing us.

If cortisol is responsible for making us stressed, then it makes sense to reduce the levels of cortisol in our systems.

Pulling levers is a broad brush term I use for actions that reduce cortisol.

Get enough sleep.

Sleep is huge. Think about it this way. If you slept 5 hours a night for a month, you would be more susceptible to stress and anxiety.

In men, the opposite of cortisol is testosterone.

Testosterone is only produced by the body at night time during sleep.

If you sleep less, then you produce less of cortisol’s nemesis and you’ll be a walking cortisol factory.

Eat enough

Dieting is stressful.

When you restrict calories, you become unhappier.

If you’re down and depressed, then dieting is the last thing you should do.

Eat carbohydrates.

Pasta, noodles, rice, potatoes, bread.

These are nature’s comfort foods.

They may make you fatter in large amounts but you will be happier.

Lift heavy

I started lifting heavy in January 2016.

It’s been the best change I’ve made ever.

One reason is it flushes out cortisol.

It releases endorphins and testosterone.

The deadlift and the squat feel incredible.

After a good session, I sleep like a baby.

Have sex

Sex releases oxytocin, the kissing hormone.

You know that relaxing, soothing feeling when you’re hugging someone, kissing someone, having sex, that’s the oxytocin.

It makes you feel good. So do more of it.

Get out of your head

Too often we live too much in our own heads.

We forget about the body and how linked the mind and body are.

If you’re stressing about something at work or about whether you turned off the hob, then you’re in your head and not in your body.

You’re not grounded.

Your mind is running away from you.

How do we get out of our heads.

Do bodily things.

Do 100 pushups.

Run on the spot.

Be mindful. Feel your body. What are you touching? What are you looking at? What can you smell?

Concentrate on something you can see.

Keep doing these exercises and you’ll see a difference.

It might not rid you of all anxiety and stress but it will reduce it.

Let me know if these work for you or if you have any other suggestions.

Why is pride a dirty word? Let’s take our pride back

chanman · May 25, 2016 · Leave a Comment

Is anyone proud of themselves anymore?

Does anyone still have a sense of pride?

Two things happened to me recently that made me think I’d let my sense of pride slip.

I was at the train station in a cafe with Angelique.

There’s a guy who’s worked at the station for years. We say hello to each other but we’ve never really had a conversation.

This day he decides to say more.

“Young lady, you must be a very good cook!”

I can see where this is going.

“This young man used to be slim, good-looking and very well-dressed. Not anymore”, he said pointing at my belly.

“I used to say to my son, who’s at university now, look at this man. Be more like him. I don’t say that anymore.”

Ouch.

The next thing was I was visiting my dad who now lives on his own since my mum passed away 5 years ago.

There’s a fair amount of clutter there and it hasn’t had a deep clean for long time.

Throwing out unused stuff and dusting off layer upon layer was deeply satisfying.

It struck me that this is where the phrase ‘house-proud’ came from.

What’s happened to pride?

Pride used to be regarded as a positive thing, so why is it so maligned and discouraged?

Nietzsche argued that pride belonged in the Homeric aristocratic value system.

In this framework, pride was the preserve of the noblemen.

He argues that this got overthrown by the Judeo-Christian value system.

This later value system made being strong ‘evil’ and raised the status of the ‘meek’ to those who would inherit the earth.

Christianity made Pride one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

We also have the phrase: “Pride before a fall.”

So much of society now discourages pride.

What are the consequences of this?

Lack of pride manifests in:

Dirty cars

Untidy houses

Shoddy work

Unkempt appearance

Half-assed attempts at stuff

General not giving a shit

Pride manifests itself in:

Good work

Good upright posture

Strong eye contact

Attention to detail

Completion of goals

How can we take more pride?

Iron your clothes

It’s simple but there’s a world of difference between putting on a freshly pressed shirt and a wrinkled one.

You feel different.

Like you’re worth a freshly ironed shirt.

Lose excess weight

Being overly fat shows a lack of respect for your body and a lack of self-discipline.

Shave

Yes there’s a fashion for huge beards and straggly stubble at the moment.

There’s a reason that a man’s routine in the morning should be ‘Shit, shower, shave’.

It’s because it makes you feel awesome.

A really good shave makes you feel like you’ve made an effort and taken care of yourself.

Learn how to shave here:

Get a sharp haircut

The opposite of feeling groomed is being a shoddy mess.

Look like you’re ready to face the world head on.

Get a short back and sides like this guy.

Treat yourself to a regular haircut.

I get mine done in a local barber shop for around £10.

You might think that’s too cheap to for a good cut but the key is regular trimming and close shaves.

Trim your pubes

How much pride do you show in yourself when you have a bush that’s like, well a bush?

You wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of that, would you?

So don’t inflict it on your partner.

Get a large pair of scissors and cut your pubes carefully.

You don’t need to shape them, just make them neat.

(Don’t use communal kitchen scissors to cut your pubes like a friend of mine did whilst in a flat share.)

Polish your shoes

Scuffed shoes show a man who doesn’t respect himself enough to put his best foot forward. Take the time to learn how to care for your shoes and polish them up.

Make your bed

How much pride can you have in yourself if you can’t even make your own bed in the morning? There’s a great commencement speech by Admiral William McRaven where he shares 10 life lessons. One of which was ‘Make Your Bed’. He argues that the small sense of achievement gives you momentum for the day.

Here’s his speech in full. I highly recommend watching it.

Eat better

You wouldn’t put impure fuel into your car would you? At least not knowingly.

Your body should run like a supercar. A Ferrari or a Pagani.

So why do you put fuel with questionable nutritional value into it?

Treat your body with the respect it deserves and eat the best quality food you can afford.

Don’t look average

The average man doesn’t have pride in himself.

This is clear from him wearing clothes that don’t fit him properly.

Generally, average men wear clothes that are too baggy for them.

He wears clothes that don’t stand out.

Don’t settle for average.

Aim for exceptional.

Look at Tiny Tempah.

Or Ryan Gosling.

Aim for the best.

Reclaim your pride

What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.

Don’t get played, don’t be a patsy

chanman · Feb 10, 2016 · Leave a Comment

Warren Buffett says that if you don’t know who the patsy in the room is, it’s you.

Think about that for a minute.

If you’re the patsy, it’s not because you want to be.

I mean who would want to be the chump.

You’re the patsy because you didn’t know you were and you didn’t know better. You didn’t even know there was a game being played around you.

We see this in financial markets. Small investors thinking they can compete on an even playing field with the whales in the market.

They think all’s going well until….whump…they get swallowed up.

They didn’t even know the edge that the whales had over them. The huge competitive and informational advantage that they had.

These games exist in all spheres of life.

I want to look at the areas where looking good matters. Which is almost every area of life. Think about dating, your career, getting good service in bars and restaurants. As a general rule, the more attractive you are, the better you do in these areas.

Savvy people know this and exploit this to their advantage.

Patsies have no idea about this rule or worse, they do know but choose to do nothing about it.

A natural law.

We like attractive people. We treat them better. We cut them more slack. We think they’re better. We respect them more and take them more seriously.

So imagine you’ve got a date. A first date. You decide to wear some comfy clothes. You might as well be comfortable right? If your date doesn’t like you for you, they’re not worth it, right?

Wrong. So wrong.

All you’ve done is not played the game and so reduced your chances of winning.

What have you lost? You’ve lost the chance of a good first impression and being taken as a contender.

Don’t do this to yourself.

When I was the chump.

I’ve been the chump before and it cost me dearly.

I went for Officer Selection in the British Army after university.

I thought I had it in the bag. After all, I’d graduated from a top university with a good degree. Why wouldn’t I get in.

I wore a suit. Not just any suit, but a badly fitting one. Boxy, black and billowing.

Black shoes that were just awful.

A terrible blue checked tie with a fat Windsor knot.

And an awful skinhead haircut.

I thought I looked good, and anyway, wasn’t that just a superficial detail? My qualifications should have been enough right?

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Looking bad in a profession where looking good is so important didn’t help my cause. I was rejected and told I couldn’t apply again.

I was absolutely devastated.

This was all that I wanted to do for years.

Now it was off the table. I’d lost the opportunity forever.

What had happened?

Looking back on the experience, I was utterly clueless.

I didn’t have the first idea about the value that the British Army places on personal appearance and even if I had done, I’d no idea about what great personal appearance would have looked like.

Who was the patsy?

Me.

Why does the Army place such a high value on personal appearance?

Sharply ironed, well-fitting uniforms and highly polished shoes indicates that the wearer has a high degree of self-respect. It also indicates self-discipline because it takes effort to achieve.

High levels of self-respect and self-discipline help make you inspirational to others and this is a core foundation of being a leader in the Armed Forces.

Looking around, it was easy to see who were at the winners and the chumps at that Selection Board.

The winners looked patrician and authoritative in their dark, conservatively cut suits and immaculately polished English shoes.

They knew how Army Officers dress and calibrated accordingly.

They looked like natural leaders.

The chumps, on the other hand, were dressed without any clue of these rules.

Rules that weren’t hidden, but were just unspoken.

Like etiquette at a golf club or a gentlemen’s club, you should just know what the rules are without anyone having to tell you about them.

If you know about them, then great.

If you don’t, then you have an uphill struggle ahead of you.

Play the game.

Accept the natural law above.

Next time you go on a date or an interview, look around and see who the winners are and who the chumps are.

Be the winner, not the chump.

This applies to so many spheres.

Take dating for example. The game being played here are the laws of what makes a man attractive as a mate.

Women are looking for high-quality, high-status males.

If a man has the confidence to dress really well amongst other things, it communicates that the man knows that being attractive is important and that he knows the rules of what makes him attractive.

Give yourself the edge. Don’t be the chump.

Takeaways

Know that there’s always a game being played, in whatever sphere you’re in. Dating, interviews, performance reviews, mortgage applications, getting great service etc.

Play to win and not be a chump.

Know the rules of the game and apply them.

Identify the patsy at the table, so that you know it’s not you.

‘Be Better Than The Gap’ – 4 Things Men Can Learn From Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love

chanman · Aug 22, 2015 · 1 Comment

Yes it’s a rom-com, but there’s plenty that a man can learn from Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Steve Carell plays a family man whose wife has admitted she’s had an affair with a guy called David Lindhagen. Carell moves out and seeks solace at the local bar telling everyone how depressed he is and feeling sorry for himself. Needless to say he becomes a very sad case.

Enter Ryan Gosling’s character:

be better than The Gap — Crazy, Stupid, Love shopping scene

Gosling plays an accomplished ladies man. He’s super-confident, well-dressed and a natural at picking up women. He charms the women each night and more often than not leaves with them on his arm.

Gosling takes pity on Carell and takes him under his wing, brandishing his tough love approach to educating Carell.In a memorable line, he tells Carell that the reason he lost his wife is not because of David Lindhagen, but because he lost sight of who he is as ‘a man, a husband and probably as a lover’.

Ouch.

Lesson #1: Don’t lose sight of who you are as a man.

Remember that you are a man.

Don’t blame others for your misfortunes.

Take responsibility for your actions and for who you are.

Don’t whine and don’t make excuses.

Lesson #2: “Be better than The Gap”

The standout scene in the movie is when Gosling takes Carell shopping. Carell starts the scene in terrible clothes, symbolising how he has let himself go and descended into ‘dad’ clothes. He looks bland and invisible in clothes that don’t fit. He’s meek and submissive. He has no style of his own and has no impact on anyone around him. The contrast with Gosling is huge. Gosling’s character is sharply dressed. He doesn’t care so much about what people think and he is a much more confident personality who goes after what he wants. He knows the importance of good style and a strong personal appearance on how you are perceived in life. A strong impression helps you succeed in life.

Like Gosling says, “Be better than the Gap”.

Here’s the clip where Gosling says the line:

Lesson #3: Details matter

A recurring theme on www.howtobedapper.com is that details matter. People who know, know. From the clip above, check out Gosling tearing down New Balance sneakers, jeans from the Gap that give Carell a ‘mom-butt’, Carells’ Supercuts hairstyle and Carell’s velcro fastening wallet.
Details matter.

Lesson #4: Attitude and Confidence are everything

The way at the end of the scene when Gosling is confidently flirting with the hairstylist and he asks if she’d sleep with Carrell and she says ‘well, yeah!’. Contrast this confidence with the instant shock from Carrell that anyone would be interested in him. She starts to doubt whether she’s attracted to him anymore. Gosling points out the problem with his lack of confidence; everything was going well until Carell opened his mouth.

Be better than The Gap.